It always feels like a punch to the gut when I see photos of the children from people that I met in Mia's due date community. They are happy, smiling, laughing, playing, learning, talking, getting their adult teeth, going to school, picking out their own clothing and BREATHING.
I feel cheated. I feel hurt. I wish I could reach through time and space and pull her spirit close to me and whisper that *I* still remember and that I think about her every single time I look into Emily's eyes.
It feels like, if I opened my mouth, all this sadness, and wanting, regret, anger and misery would come pouring out of me like a morbid waterfall of blood. I try as hard as I can but I can't wipe the slate clean. I can not forget. I can not move on. The best I can do is lock the feelings away for another time, a better time, if there is even such a thing. Sometimes I feel like I am going to lose my mind because the feelings grab a hold of me and shake me until I can feel it in my bones, in the whites of my eyes, in the very center of my heart.
She would be five and a half years old.
The bridge between her soul and mine is widening. I feel like I can't remember her, like I am forgetting. I want to hold on tight and yet, I want to let go. I know I will never let go.
When I get frustrated with Emily, I stop and I cry and I hold her close to me, her heart beating against mine and I beg the fates to forgive me for getting impatient or upset. I can't afford to lose any more.
I would die without them.
where ever she is, I send her my love.