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things i want to do  
10:44am 08/10/2011
 
 
anput
-get my hoop certifications
-learn to fire hoop
-learn to use minis
-finally learn to use my contact staff
-sell my art
-write a novel
-write this comic that has been in my head for near 20 years
-travel to somewhere outside the U.S.
-learn anything and everything
-figure out which way this compass is pointing me
-learn to be more careful
-learn to say what i'm thinking when I think it
-stand on top of a mountain
-skate on a frozen lake
-learn to cartwheel
-get over my irrational fears
-not care so much what other people think
-be able to live without anxiety and depression
-be aware of my own self worth
-not worry over every little thing
-just say fuck it and go with it.
location: drifting
mood: blankblank
tags: life, me, thoughts
 
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Thoughts  
09:31pm 15/09/2011
 
 
anput
I ache. There is so much I want and so much I am scared to hope for. At what point do you stop listening to that little voice in your head that says "It's all a lie. They will lie to you, tell you anything you want to hear to get what they want... and then they leave"? At what point do you feel safe holding hands and letting the wall down? At what point does the worry go away?

I am afraid. I am afraid of opening myself up and letting anyone have that sort of power over me. I am afraid of being crushed, used up and thrown away. I am afraid of feeling too much, of letting it all out and it kills me when it's gone.

I am afraid of always coming last, of always being the other option. I am afraid of being the person who destroys someone. I do not want to do that.

I am even more afraid of not being honest, of not reaching out for what I want. I feel like I am in limbo, trying to figure out what to do.

How long does it take before years and years and years of being told you are ugly and stupid and just a piece of flesh before you start to believe when someone tells you otherwise?

I ache and am scared but I will not let it stop me from trying.
Because then, if it all falls apart, I can say "I gave it my best shot"

I really hope it doesn't.
location: 18 wheels
 
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Control yourself, take only what you need from me  
10:08pm 04/09/2011
 
 
anput
I am so tired.
Of everything.
I hate pretending like I am ok when I am not, but I hate acting like I am not ok because it's not so bad. It could be a whole lot worse and I KNOW that.

I feel like my heart is exploding out of my chest as it expands and grows outward and I can't contain all that I feel.

A bubble forms in my throat when I try to talk, to get it all out, to let it escape.

I want to grab all those feelings and hold them close to me, protecting myself the best I can, praying no one can see past it all to the feelings buried deepest inside.

I want to say it. So badly, do I want to say it. But I sew my lips shut and pull tightly so they can't escape.

There are things that must never be known, words that must never be said.

No matter how true they may be.
location: time to pretend
mood: crazycrazy
 
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these idle hands, they do the devil's work  
10:15pm 21/08/2011
 
 
anput
It could have been any boy and
It could have been any girl but..
But I'm glad it was me
And I'm glad it was you.
location: 18 wheels
mood: touchedtouched
tags: love, r
 
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Where is my mind?  
08:58pm 12/08/2011
 
 
anput
What do you do when you find yourself doing something you never thought you would do? And not only that you are doing it, but that it has helped you see everything in your own life more clearly and how great it is?

yea. it's like that.
hmm.

I've been spending a lot of time in my hoop and running. I wonder what I am running from, or what I am running to. I am sort of afraid to find out. For now I am content with just running aimlessly.
location: wide open
mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
music: the pixies
tags: love, r
 
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exhausted  
05:21pm 15/06/2011
 
 
anput
I had to drive by the funeral home five times today. I sobbed pretty much all morning. At one point I was driving and sobbing and Emily was getting cranky. Jack leans over and says "shhh Emmy, mommy is crying. no crying mommy, it's ok" which made me cry harder.

I wish I had someone to talk to about it that was there who wasn't my dad. My mom hasn't even called or texted today to say hello or ask how I am doing.

I am not doing well at all. I am better than I was this morning but I just feel like burrowing into my bed and not emerging until tomorrow sometime. I've barely been able to eat, and focusing on things is just not happening.

I think I'll go for a run tonight, or maybe a bike ride. Something that will exhaust me to the point where I'll fall into a deep sleep with no dreams.

I wish I didn't feel so completely alone in this.
mood: sadsad
 
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(no subject)  
10:23pm 14/06/2011
 
 
anput
Six years.
I have never felt so alone in my grief.

Six years and this is the worst one I can remember aside from the first.

I miss you baby, every day.
I keep thinking of the moment the doctor said "i'm sorry" and it felt like my world stopped, like my screams pushed pause and the whole world blanked out. I can feel it in my throat, that scream. Resonating through the years. It feels like I'm choking.

And I am alone with it.
I will always be alone with it.
mood: crushedcrushed
 
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............  
10:47pm 21/12/2010
 
 
anput
Joel pointed out once that when I get very upset or stressed out, i rub my left eyebrow. It's super annoying and I never realize I am doing it until I have nearly rubbed my eyebrow raw. I rub the area right under the brow, So the bottom hairs get a little messed up and the skin gets all raw and gross looking.

Right now it feels like i have sunburn under my eyebrow. I am so stressed out/upset/angry that I have even been pulling hair off of the top of my head.

I hate this, I hate it so much.
mood: annoyedannoyed
music: that's what i get
 
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cosmic love  
10:32pm 19/12/2010
 
 
anput
It always feels like a punch to the gut when I see photos of the children from people that I met in Mia's due date community. They are happy, smiling, laughing, playing, learning, talking, getting their adult teeth, going to school, picking out their own clothing and BREATHING.

I feel cheated. I feel hurt. I wish I could reach through time and space and pull her spirit close to me and whisper that *I* still remember and that I think about her every single time I look into Emily's eyes.

It feels like, if I opened my mouth, all this sadness, and wanting, regret, anger and misery would come pouring out of me like a morbid waterfall of blood. I try as hard as I can but I can't wipe the slate clean. I can not forget. I can not move on. The best I can do is lock the feelings away for another time, a better time, if there is even such a thing. Sometimes I feel like I am going to lose my mind because the feelings grab a hold of me and shake me until I can feel it in my bones, in the whites of my eyes, in the very center of my heart.

She would be five and a half years old.
The bridge between her soul and mine is widening. I feel like I can't remember her, like I am forgetting. I want to hold on tight and yet, I want to let go. I know I will never let go.

When I get frustrated with Emily, I stop and I cry and I hold her close to me, her heart beating against mine and I beg the fates to forgive me for getting impatient or upset. I can't afford to lose any more.

I would die without them.
where ever she is, I send her my love.
mood: open wideopen wide
music: florence and the machine
 
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they did.  
09:53pm 16/12/2010
 
 
anput
: trust me
: i do trust you honey. i am just scared of things fucking up
: they won't
location: third eye blind
mood: blankblank
tags: memories
 
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